Writing has been difficult for me lately. And when the writing isn’t going well, it tends to cast a pall over the rest of my life. I feel grouchy and sad and I’m probably not very good company. I debated whether or not to even post this, because I have a horror of being whiny, and because I generally try to keep my blog focused on the positive.
But then I remembered how much I value hearing other authors talk about their own tough times, and how it helps to know that other people are forging through these slogs. Plus, if I *do* make it out of this current swamp of self-doubt with a real draft I’m proud of, I’d like to be able to look back and remember what it took to get there. So.
I have this story I really want to write. I’ve been working with the world it’s set in for over ten years, on-and-off. I think I’ve finally found the right characters and plot. I know the themes and emotions I want to explore. I have a dozen key scenes I’m aching to write.
And yet I’ve spent the last two months writing and abandoning first chapters. Stretching and twisting and shredding outlines. Taking a chapter and ripping out two thirds of it and trying to stitch it back together. Some good has come out of it: I’ve discovered new secrets about the world. I know my main character a lot better.
But it still feels so… clumsy and not-right. So this morning I moved my entire working document into my “Cuts” folder. And now I have a blank document staring open at me. Word Count: 0. Again.
I am afraid. I am afraid I am not talented enough, skilled enough to write this story. I worry that something is fatally flawed in my concept, and that is why I can’t seem to make it work. I worry that maybe I’m just being lazy, that I should push harder, just get *something* down and keep going, even when it feels wrong.
You’d think I’d be happier just giving up, working on something else. But no. It works for a while, but eventually I realize I’m more unhappy not-working on the book than I am struggling with it. Because this story is still inside me, trying to get out. And I still love it.
It may be that I never finish this book. Maybe next time I give up, I won’t miss it enough to come back. All I know is that for now, I have to keep trying.
But I’m definitely going to need more tea. And possibly some cookies.
Have any of you all had similar experiences? And how did they turn out? Stories with happy endings welcome!
(Also, I should note that this book isn’t under contract, thank goodness. I made a choice after my last contracted book NOT to attempt to sell on synopsis for the very reason that it makes these kinds of stresses a million times worse — for me, at least!)
Tags: poison maid, writing
Oh dear, Deva—I hope it clicks for you! Your unconscious mind probably knows very well what it's doing, and will surprise you any day with a burst of words.
Thank you Charlotte! I hope so too. I am constantly amazed at what the unconscious mind is capable of!
So sorry you're going through this! I was in a similar situation a while back, and i know how frustrating it is. Here are a couple things you may want to try (though feel free to totally ignore!) Try to find a way to tell this story that will be fun for you — backwards, upside down, whatever — just so you can find some kind of enjoyment in writing it. And who knows, maybe it needs to be told upside down.
Or try working on something completely different. When I was in a similar situation, I was having the worst time finding the right voice for my story. Finally, I was so frustrated that I put it aside and wrote a few chapters of something new. Well, the new project wound up going nowhere, BUT it helped me find the right voice for the novel I was struggling with. Anyway, that's my two cents. I hope things get easier for you soon!
Thanks Anna! I do think that part of the problem is that elusive voice. And I really like the idea of focusing on what would be fun to write. It helps to know you've been through something similar and made it through!
I hate being in that spot. And I've read your work, so yes, you have the talent. No worries there. Your strengths I noticed were story structure – but I only noticed it was so flawless because I was studying it. And your use of language. Your words led me from one paragraph to another. So, you can do it.
This past summer it took me 4-5 months before I could get going. I started it like 4 or 5 times. For me, it was because the narrative structure wasn't right yet. And when it finally clicked, the writing became a lot easier. Thanks for sharing. Good luck!
Aw, thank you Laura! *blushes*
And thank you for sharing your story — It is so helpful to hear that other folks have gone through similar slogs. I suspect my problem is something similar — that something is off structurally. Hopefully things will click soon!
I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say there is no need to worry if you have talent–you definitely do! And skill. You are a wonderful storyteller.
I hope things work out for you soon.
Thanks, Vonna! I really appreciate the encouragement — writing can be so solitary and full of doubt…